Looking for a good laugh? We bring you a great list of funny quotes to make you laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine for your soul. In the words of Tom Wilson, “A smile is a face mask that is in everyone’s price!”
Not only does laughing reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you a great workout, and releases endorphins. So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings and observations and laugh today.
Phrases
-I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
Mitch Hedberg-A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis-Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln-If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
-The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln-An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes-The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein-War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Pierce-If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
Ann Landers-I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke-A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!
Tom Wilson-A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope-My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea-I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb-A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin-Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
Charleton Heston-If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama-Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie
-Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
Daniel J. Boorstin-Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
Emo Philips-All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott-Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck-Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld-The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Waterson-Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
Gertrude Stein-All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover-People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov-My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Jean Rostand-Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn-Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter-Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Twain-I am only human, although I regret it.
Mark Twain-When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby-What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant
-When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh-I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Ralph Waldo Emerson-I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
Tom Lehrer-A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields-Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Sam Levenson-He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw-Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers-I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman-Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey-The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney-Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill-As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
-It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barry-Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman-My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres-Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen-The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen-Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns-Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.
George Burns-Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?
George Carlin-I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin-There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld-According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.
Jay Leno-It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld-Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason-Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher-Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher-If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Bill Maher
-This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.
Bill Maher-A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
Conan O’Brien-The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.
Conan O’Brien-The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin-God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz-If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin-Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
Gilbert Gottfried-If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
Gilbert Gottfried-The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis-Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
Larry David-If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.
Larry David-I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.
Seth MacFarlane-Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
Tina Fey-Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin-My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers-Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West-I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
Marc Maron-Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
Margaret Culkin Banning-Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Matt Groening
-A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin-The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
Jon Stewart-Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart-You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.
Jon Stewart-My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers-If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle-My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle-I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx-When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis-Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Rita Mae Brown-When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner-If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School-I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen-Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Woody Allen-The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Bill Murray-Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.
Bill Murray-Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.
Will Ferrell-Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot-Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.
Thomas Sowell-If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.
Dick Cavett-The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
Sid Caesar-The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno-Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West-A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Franklin Jones-It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.
Demetri Martin-The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin-I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman-The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman-I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman-I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
Ron White-DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’
Ron White-I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.
Ron White
